Why Working Mothers Feel So Torn All the Time

Yesterday I was finishing up at work when I got a call.

“Ma, when are you coming home?”

Right away, I had two thoughts.

My first thought was:
“I can’t believe it’s so late.”

My second thought was:
“What’s with me? Why can’t I be home when my kids get home?”

I was sitting at my desk working away. My mind was still completely focused on work. There were still things waiting for me. More emails. More things to finish. More things I felt I should get done before I left.

“You want me to come home?” I asked on speaker, half-listening to her answer.

“Well, yeah. Can you order something for me?”

I started looking online for the thing she wanted. But as I was doing it, I noticed myself starting to lose patience internally.

I really wanted to get home to my children. I wanted to make supper. I wanted to relax after a long day of work.

But at the same time, work was still pulling at me mentally.

I felt torn.

Torn by what was still waiting for me at work.
Torn by what my children needed from me at home.

I told her:
“Okay, I’m done.”

Then I caught myself saying:
“Oh, but now I still need to finish a few things for work.”

And then I stopped myself.

I asked myself:
“What’s more important right now? This extra hour of work I could still get done, or spending time with my children when they just came home from school?”

I closed my computer.
Packed up my things.
And left.

I was so glad I did.

I watched the kids as they went in and out of the house with their water balloons. I heard about another child's exhausting day. I was able to commiserate.

I put up a quick supper, did some laundry and i little bit of cleaning.. And in those moments, I felt good about myself.

Not because I was perfectly balanced.
Not because I had figured out how to “do it all.”

But because I felt aligned with my values.

I had just finished one full-time job.
Now I was starting the second full-time job, taking care of my children.

I think working mothers live with this tension all the time.

We're constantly juggling responsibilities. We're trying our best to fulfill the demands of work, home, marriage, children, schedules, finances, and all the invisible emotional labor in between.

And many times, no matter what choice we make, part of us feels guilty.

If we stay later at work, we feel guilty about our children.

If we leave work early, we worry about what's still not getting done.

There's often this constant feeling of being pulled in two directions at once.

I think this affects mothers much more deeply than many people realize.

Not only practically.
Emotionally too.

Because parenting doesn't happen separately from the rest of life.

It happens inside a nervous system.

And when a mother spends the entire day rushing, multitasking, problem-solving, caring for other people, answering messages, making decisions, and carrying pressure internally, even small moments with her children can suddenly feel really big.

Sometimes mothers blame themselves for this.

They think:
“What’s wrong with me? Why am I so impatient? Why can’t I just enjoy my children?”

But very often, the issue is not lack of love.

The issue is overload.

Many working mothers are trying to stay emotionally present for their children while carrying levels of mental and emotional pressure that would exhaust almost anybody.

Then when their child asks one more question, needs one more thing, or melts down at the end of the day, mothers sometimes find themselves snapping.

Not because they don't care.

But because they're depleted.

I think many working mothers also feel sad sometimes about how divided their attention becomes.

A mother may technically be home, but mentally she's still at work.

Or she may be at work physically, but emotionally she's thinking about her child.

That split attention can feel painful.

And this is why I think alignment matters so much.

Not perfection.
Alignment.

There are seasons when work needs more attention. There are also moments when our children need us more deeply.

The question isn't:
“Am I perfectly balancing everything?”

Most mothers aren't.

The question is:
“Am I aligned with what matters most to me right now?”

Yesterday, when my daughter called, I could feel very clearly that what mattered most in that moment was going home.

Work could wait.

Childhood won’t.

That doesn't mean I'll always make the perfect decision. It also doesn't mean working mothers should feel guilty for working.

Many mothers are working very hard to support their families. Many are carrying enormous responsibility with very little support.

But I do think many mothers feel best about themselves when they're emotionally present wherever they are.

When they're at work, they're focusing on work.

And when they're home, they can slowly learn to put work down long enough to really see their children.

Not perfectly.
Not every minute.
Not without stress.

But with intention.

Because underneath all the rushing and pressure, most working mothers are longing for the same thing:

To feel connected to the people they love while still honoring the responsibilities they carry.

And that is not a small thing.